Essendon 2019 – Five Fearless Predictions

The difference between bold, fearless and unlikely be a fine line, Arlo Rickard tries to navigate this line with his preview of Essendon’s 2019 season.

Nutshell 2018

So lets review – first half terrible, bottom 4 form, angry and disheartened.  Second half great, top 4 form, exciting and amazing.

The future looks good with the great recruits from last year being joined by another GWS gun and a growing confidence from that run home in 2018.

Are we flat track bullies or is the West Coast win a harbinger of glory?

Cant wait to find out.

Five Fearless Predictions

During the R23 game against Collingwood Joe D is paid a free kick early on in the goal square.  Amid the normal baying for blood and spit propelling toothless screaming from the Magpies Cheer Squad the TV cameras pick up a Collingwood support uttering the words “I think it was there”.   After an exhaustive man hunt it turns out that this man was none other than Eddie himself. When pressed on the issue of how any free kick could be paid against Collingwood under any circumstances McGuire stated that every now and then things don’t go your way.  Upon hearing this Joffa initiates a spill of the board and seizes power. His first act is to get the team a new motto – Clamor in Sempiternum – and write into the Club constitution that never, ever, ever shall a free be paid that is legit.

Round Four teams are announced and after a spate of early injuries the Essendon team to take on the Lions has a J.Hird on the HF Flank.  Despite not playing for a dozen years and for some reason being absent for the last couple Hird caps off a remarkable comeback with 25 disposals and 4 goals.  In the post-match interview he promptly retires forever from the AFL.

Round 11 and the big clash between the Mighty Essendon Bombers and the West Fitzroy Aquas the teams decide to bring back the tradition of swapping jumpers – however due to the lack of familiarity with the convention around this they accidently do it BEFORE the game.  West Fitzroy then goes on to win their first and only game of the year.

Joe D heads into the R22 game over in Freo with 97 goals to his name and ends up pulling a Longmire kicking 2.6 by ¾ time.  Two minutes into the last he rolls his ankle and is done for the day. He is judged to be out for a couple of weeks and not expected back until the Finals.  Oddly enough he is named as an emergency for the R23 Collingwood game and then shockingly on game day is a late in. Standing in the goal square in a moon boot and a mobility scooter he gets a cheap free kick early on (you may have heard about that earlier) then uses the scooter to kick his 100th goal and is dragged for the remainder.

Holding a 2 point lead over Richmond with 10 minutes to play in the Grand Final the sky above the MCG opens up in what can only be described as a Fortnite style rift.  The stunned crowd looks up as play stops. Everyone holds their collective breathe and then suddenly alien lifeforms emerge to make their first Globally broadcast debut.  With the visitors comes new technology, advancements in medicine, science, climate change and energy production. With nearly all of the major issues facing the Human race solved peace breaks out all of the planet.  Mankind enters a period that historians in the year 2750 term the “Rebirth of Civilisation”. On February 11th at a board meeting the AFL realise the game was never completed and hence there was no resulting premier.  After hours of deliberation during which Gill is often overheard muttering “this is Mabo” the Cup is presented to the Essendon Football Club.

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